by Mary O’Rourke.
Until a woman begins to discover she may be infertile, she takes her membership into motherhood for granted; she regards pregnancy as a free and universal right, automatic and, hopefully, unproblematic. If she is lucky, she will have found a good partner to start this creative venture. She has been preparing for this job all her life: her experience with baby animals, dolls, younger siblings and ailing grandparents have taught her the fundamental skills of nurture. She is all but bursting with the potentiality of Child Love.
And then, for whatever confounding reason, it doesn’t happen. It may take a woman several months or several years to act on her infertility. And responses to it are as varied as women themselves. Often it’s a painful ride through various states of being: feeling okay about it, falling into despair or getting roughed up by invasive and unreliable procedures of reproductive technology.
Meredith Wheeler’s infertility workshops offer an illuminating, supportive backup to the strain and frustration of pursuing fertility. One important function of the weekend workshop is to shift the emphasis away from infertility as physical ‘dysfunction’ and broaden it to include unconscious factors that may be impeding pregnancy, such as underlying attitudes to our mothers, relationships and childhood. This is done through a structured, intensive exploration into the psychological dimensions of fertility and The Feminine. These therapeutic exercises are conducted with a small and diverse group of women , all in the same boat, bobbing on a pool of similar experiences.
All but a few of us had never taken part in any kind of workshop.
We didn’t know what to expect; whether anything constructive would come of it or even if we could open up to strangers. Until this point most of us were suffering secretly with what Meredith aptly called ‘the last taboo’. Thankfully, we did manage, through Meredith’s gentle and calming guidance, to create a powerful circle of trust, mutual respect and shared confidences. It was cathartic, really, to be able to openly discuss the wounding humiliation of childlessness and to have other women nodding their heads knowingly.
…the warmth and support of women being together, having one huge aspect of their lives in common. Sharing feelings in a non-judgemental and non-pitying environment. The sharing of these feelings opened up areas inside myself which I thought weren’t there and made me think more clearly about my life with or without children, and relationships with nephews, nieces and friends’ children.
…knowing there are others with similar problems. Being able to explore this reason of wanting to become pregnant. To be able to speak about you’re innermost feelings and knowing that you are being listened to. The different ways in which issues were addressed.
The workshop took place in Meredith’s home where she made us all feel very welcome. I think it was important that the exercises took place in a quiet, non-clinical environment; we sat on cushions around a floating candle and so, were better able to relax and close ourselves off from the outside world.
*First things first, we went around the room introducing each other and learning one another’s names.
*As a warm up, we encouraged to close our eyes and breath deeply; exhaling as much psychical tension as we could.
*We were asked to imagine different parts of the body that usually bear the brunt of tension and anxiety: the back, the shoulders, and the hips. We mentally visualised sinking deeper into our cushions, letting go of all rigid muscles.
*In the second part of this meditation, and to the accompaniment of ethereal music, Meredith talked us through a fascinating visualisation to the core of the earth. This involved slowly imagining our spines connected to a root system that spread and penetrated deep into rich, fecund soil, grounding us and filling us with the earth’s bounty. Many of the women responded powerfully to this image and found that it really helped them enter another frame of mind. It felt like a pleasant descent into ‘ the otherworld’, the unconscious or connection with the centre of Self.
“I was apprehensive about doing the visualisations and art therapy as I do feel that I’m not in touch with my subconscious at all, most of the time. To the point I feel I don’t have one! I was very surprised how things turned out. Now I feel that there are more issues of a different matter that I felt I couldn’t discuss at the workshop, but maybe I will explore them in the future.”
*Once we emerged from the subterranean, we all had a short tea and pee break.
*The second major exercise, most women agreed, was very stimulating if not enjoyable. I personally had forgotten how enjoyable playfulness could be. We were each given a little bag and asked to go into the next room and “shop” for objects. There seemed to be one hundred figurines and miniature objects to describe everything that exists in the world: animals, dolls, anatomical parts, samples of nature, mythological monsters, inanimate objects like houses, walls and tools. Three of our selections had to reflect the persona we project to the world, and another lot to reveal our dreams and our true selves in all their ugly, shameful, or frightening manifestations. Each woman was invited to talk about her personality and relationships through these objects. Others were allowed to respond if they wanted to.
“…Being able to be so open in front of others, sharing experiences, discovering common ground. Discussing old photographs was my favourite session, but choosing objects was also very powerful for me.”
“It was interesting to discover what objects I chose and question and explore why I had chosen them, which brought meaning to me.”
*Some women found the Group sessions were the most harrowing, they cut straight to the grieving vein; some of us talked about our darkest hours, our losses, our traumas, the pain of failed IVF attempts. We were split off into two smaller groups without a facilitator.
*After a longish lunch, we regrouped for a reading of a poetic invocation Meredith was drafting for a special service for grieving parents. We were then shown a large, circular diagram of the various faces of the Feminine; universal archetypes from the girl/child, sensual woman, mother, vocational woman, the Divine feminine round to the wise woman. What was interesting to know that all these stages had a shadow, negative side and that all women could be any one of these types at different points in her life; it was not chronological.
The purpose of this exercise was to understand that the role of mother was not the only option available to women; that the failure to have one’s owns children did not negate one’s feminine identity. This lead to a very interesting discussion of our attitudes to mothers and babies in our social and family circles. And more importantly, explore our own reasons for wanting a child.
“…lots to think about - re-evaluate ideas. I think it will make it easier to copy with my infertility as I can see that having a child won’t solve my own feelings of inadequacy and I’ll need to find some other way to do that. I am already less concerned about what others think and am trying to treasure what I already have rather than yearn for what I think I should have.”
“…It felt extremely significant that the workshop was around Mother’s Day. It made me focus on the feelings I have about my mother and my internal mother. It felt comforting to know I could see her as someone who is loving, as I sway towards hating and blaming her. The weekend emphasised that achieving our goal of having a baby is not going to solve our problems, which is good to keep reminding myself.”
*We concluded the first day with Angel cards; each little tab offered an affirmation or an aspect of ourselves we might like to reflect upon. We were all asked how we felt the day had progressed and we all agreed we were exhausted.
Sunday session.
*Sunday’s exercises seemed to fly past. We began, again, with a relaxation warm up before a second, extended visualisation. We were guided through a landscape with a forked road; we were told to follow ‘the motherhood path’ and to remember the things we saw down that road, the people we encountered and the “things” or messages they offered to us.
*We were handed large sheets of paper and asked to draw what we saw.
*Everyone brought a “little something” for lunch and we ended up with a feast fit for a wedding reception!
*The afternoon was spent discussing the drawings. Some found their visions shocking, revealing, upsetting, confusing, painful, spiritual, uplifting. One woman, a talented artist, enthralled us with a beautiful image of an all-seeing eye, which, turned on its side, could also have been a depiction of a baby slipping out of a birth canal. These visual stories were very touching.
*After a final afternoon tea break we brought out our photos from childhood. It was another visual avenue through which participants could talk about difficult or positive family relationships, painful childhood recollections and experiences.
“ I found the ‘shopping for objects’ exercise and talking about my photo from childhood especially valuable because I find it easier to talk about objects in front of me rather than directly about myself.”
*Before concluding the workshop, Meredith handed out feedback sheets and asked us if we wanted a follow-up meeting. We felt something like that would be beneficial. We were given the time to reflect on the experience and to come back and discuss any changes in our feelings and attitudes to infertility. Everyone felt calmer and more hopeful about their prospects, mainly because the workshop helped to shift negative blocks that were causing so much misery. Everyone agreed that some sort or important picture was emerging; as if we all came to the group with a piece of a puzzle that, of itself, made little sense, but placed in the circle offered snippets of clarity. Meredith claims she has witnessed this many times: when essential and deep truths well up and out of us; they are powerful and life giving and have a value outside ourselves.
“I valued the chance to meet other women in similar circumstances, and the opportunity to explore my own inner conflicts in context with their views: it was revealing to be able to express my feelings fully to others who would listen and really understand, and to hear their responses: equally, it was valuable for me to listen to their stories.”
“I valued the chance to talk to other women (and feel listened to) about my experience of my fertility problems. I feel as if I have come away with a lot, I’m not sure what some of that is yet but I have come away with a feeling of clarity, things don’t seem so confused; hearing other people’s stories has validated my emotions. I had the chance to talk through things that I wanted to, which was quite a challenge for me. I feel more connected to my emotions and others. I liked the visualisations. I find it easier to visualise than talk but having the structures exercises helped me find my voice.”
“It made me realise how much I have moved on. Eighteen months ago I was really to give up my job, I was punishing myself or thought I was being punished, and on my own I have managed to get my perspective on life back on track. This workshop made it clear that I wasn’t just kidding myself that life is going to be okay. It has brought to light, very clearly to me, how important, vital even, my spiritual needs and beliefs are and how my faith will help me through, whatever life may bring.”
“The thought that I can live with all this grief, longing and loss and lead a good life nevertheless, began to germinate. The workshops…gave me great opportunities to explore how I feel, and maybe to start to point to ways I could change for the better.”
What comes across time and again is the sense of empowerment offered by an exclusive women’s environment. In a sense it’s reclaiming knowledge and insights once shared among women before community and extended family life became fragmented.
Giving women a save forum for emotional expression can also go a long way in regaining control of our bodies and minds after medical hijacking has so successfully convinced the childless woman that her identity and destiny is linked with her biological performance; that she is no more than the sum of her reproductive parts.
In The Whole Woman, Germaine Greer may be openly contemptuous of “the fertility nabobs” but her proclamations that women’s are sidelined in the process of IVF ring true. The “mothermakers” are not interested in finding and curing the causes of infertility; causes that may be reversed with alternative medicine or therapy. In this sense the workshops are a vital step in a new direction.
Quotes from Germaine Greer The Whole Woman, Doubleday, London 1999.
p.81 The IVF baby has been studied with great care but the IVF mother and non-mother have not been studied at all. Nobody has asked whether IVF treatment is good for women. The reproductive wizards want us all to believe that infertility is practically unbearable but they do not want us to ask what becomes of the infertile women who puts herself through repeated ordeals in a desperate quest for a pregnancy only to suffer a miscarriage. Is she better or worse off than she was before treatment?.. IVF concerns itself not a whit about their fate. Treatment cycles are usually about three months apart; after months of upheaval to daily life and high levels of pain and stress the relationship of a couple is often severely distorted, which is not an optimum time for even an uneventful pregnancy to begin. As usually no pregnancy does begin, we must wonder how infertile couples manage to repair the damage. No one is interested in measuring the quantum of misery among IVF acceptors who remain childless…Despite the sentimental rhetoric of male fertility magnates whose only expressed desire is to make women happy, the women who undergo hormonal stimulation, egg harvest and reimplantation seem to matter very little more than any other laboratory animal.